Every day, when my older brother came home from school, I would greet him at our door. He is 12 years my senior, and was in high school in my first memories.
I had a traditional way of greeting him when he came home from school. I'd say, "HI TOMMY!" then I'd punch him. Well, as a 4 year old I was about the exact height that a 16 year old boy does NOT want to be punched at. I always ended up punching him in the crotch, and he'd always end up flying a few feet back, and he'd be hurt, but I'd laugh.
And this was the way of things.
Later, when I was four, my brother was watching me while my parents were out doing some random thing, he made me grilled cheese and soup, and while he was pouring soup, some ended up on my shoulder and burning me. I had a pretty bad burn for a few weeks, and he felt totally awful about it. He tried not to let me know how much it bothered him, but that night, after I was supposed to be sleeping, I could hear him talking to Mom about it.
As my sister, my brother and I got older, we got a sick and twisted delight out of irritating the living hell out of one another. Tommy would bring a girl over, and Nikki, (my older sister) and I would sit between them and start "boys vs. girls" comments. This inevitably lead to my brother's girlfriend at the time teaming up with my sister and I, and her telling him "stop picking on your poor, defenseless baby sisters!" And we'd giggle, a LOT. Cackle, in fact. In those days, there was a lot of cackling.
On Christmas mornings, we had this Moose that played Christmas Carols. Anyone who knows my brother knows he doesn't always wake up in the most pleasant way. My parents had a rule: No opening presents until Tommy is awake. My sister and I knew this rule well, and also knew that Tommy woke similarly to a rabid bear and so, we would take the Moose, (its name was "Chris-Moose") and we'd come down the stairs...
So Tommy would here the "Thump, Thump, Thump, Thump" of our feet
Then he'd hear the Moose, which got more and more out of tune each year...
We'd start it, and throw it like a hand grenade and run like gazelles.
And the out of tune Moose would fly through the air, and would always manage to hit my brother straight in the face.
Good thing that always made him laugh!
Or then, there were the summer nights when Tommy would have a bunch of friends over, and we would play Risk in our basement for hours and hours on end, and usually Tommy's friend would win, but not always.
And as Tom got older and didn't always have a date to bring with him to sledding, bonfires, concerts and movies, he'd bring me along instead. I was his nearly constant companion, I always looked forward to spending time with him. I always felt special when I was with him, like I was the coolest little kid around, because I had all of these adult friends and they all thought I was cool, too.
The year I turned 18 and graduated high school, my parents went through a pretty ugly divorce. At the head of it, when my parents started divvying up their things, Tom was instrumental at convincing my parents to allow me to take a 12 hour greyhound bus trip by myself to go see my best friend in Minneapolis. The day before I went, my parents were having a really awful day and Tom took me out of the house. First, he brought me to the Detroit Yacht Club to visit an old friend of his, then he took me to a bonfire. There was lots of swimming and fun, and a minor amount of drinking. He did all of this to GET ME AWAY from things that would undoubtedly cause me psychological damage.
He was there for the birth of all four of my kids, (well, soon afterward anyway.)
My big brother has always, ALWAYS taken care of me.
Now, he's in the hospital, has no insurance, and is missing gigs because of his illness. This was the weekend he was finally going to be in the "Black" again as far as money, and he can't do his gigs, plus he's got all these medical bills piling up.
What ELSE could I do? I had to help him! So, I started trying to come up with creative ways to get him money, and therefore all of this activity that people have been seeing around facebook.
So, with the help of my brother's wonderful community of friends, we've created a Bake Sale, Craft night, and silent auction to help raise money for my wonderful brother. If you are on facebook and you are interested in going to help, the event can be found Here!
Otherwise, if you want to help out but aren't into that whole "social interaction" thing, here are a few links to directly donate to the cause.
Go fund me: Help Dr. Toon!Paypal
Thank you very much for reading my sappy little story!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Love is in the air, no seriously!
So, I read this dandy little article today, take a look:
http://edition.cnn.com/2013/01/24/health/love-psychology-book/index.html
It's a very interesting take on love. It asserts that love is a micro-movement in the body and brain. Which makes sense as love is, at it's very core a chemical reaction.
So, what's the best way to see this?
The article talks about the importance of eye contact. Yeah, it's uncomfortable for some and kind of annoying, but... If eye contact makes life that much easier for other folks around you... It's worth it, no?
Think about your family for example. Your kids. What do you tell them when you want them to pay attention?
"Look at me young lady/man when I am speaking to you!" What about, if in that moment, you take a deep breath and look your kiddo in the eyes. You can't stay mad, even if there are poop stains in their bedroom everywhere and your whole house smells like crap.
It's so important for us to make a deep connection with our children, to let them know they are cared for, that you have their back no matter what happens. It's so important for us, later in our lives, have that kind of feeling to fall back on when we feel insecure.
But, back to this... it says also in this article that to close yourself off from people outside of your social and family circle is severely constraining your opportunities to feel love. Love is not exclusive, it says.
It also says that people who feel loved on a regular basis are generally healthier.
Some people feel they must close themselves off, that they shouldn't be social, that they shouldn't look people in the eye... Well... All I'm saying is, that's not always the best way to deal with life.
SMILE, make eye contact, allow yourself to give a little to other people, ALL other people, friends, lovers, children, children's teachers, co-workers, and neighbors...
The world needs love, and it's everywhere, so go out and take it.
http://edition.cnn.com/2013/01/24/health/love-psychology-book/index.html
It's a very interesting take on love. It asserts that love is a micro-movement in the body and brain. Which makes sense as love is, at it's very core a chemical reaction.
So, what's the best way to see this?
The article talks about the importance of eye contact. Yeah, it's uncomfortable for some and kind of annoying, but... If eye contact makes life that much easier for other folks around you... It's worth it, no?
Think about your family for example. Your kids. What do you tell them when you want them to pay attention?
"Look at me young lady/man when I am speaking to you!" What about, if in that moment, you take a deep breath and look your kiddo in the eyes. You can't stay mad, even if there are poop stains in their bedroom everywhere and your whole house smells like crap.
It's so important for us to make a deep connection with our children, to let them know they are cared for, that you have their back no matter what happens. It's so important for us, later in our lives, have that kind of feeling to fall back on when we feel insecure.
But, back to this... it says also in this article that to close yourself off from people outside of your social and family circle is severely constraining your opportunities to feel love. Love is not exclusive, it says.
It also says that people who feel loved on a regular basis are generally healthier.
Some people feel they must close themselves off, that they shouldn't be social, that they shouldn't look people in the eye... Well... All I'm saying is, that's not always the best way to deal with life.
SMILE, make eye contact, allow yourself to give a little to other people, ALL other people, friends, lovers, children, children's teachers, co-workers, and neighbors...
The world needs love, and it's everywhere, so go out and take it.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
a brilliant ruse
You've bested me.
Ok, you caught me being awesome.
So first, I love my anxiety. I also love that it gives me insight into things when they aren't quite right.
Second, I love it when rumors are spread about me and friends of mine. It makes me glad to know that I'm that important in someone's popularity contest to be considered for a rumor. Thank you, I am to Princess Kate as you are to The Star. I've always wanted to be a princess! Really! Now I get to be pretty and have all kinds of adventures! Maybe even a knight in shining armor to rescue me! Wouldn't that be lovely?
Third, I've had several years of training in theater and vocal music. I'll let you decide what I mean by that. Let me just say, the title of this entry should tell you everything you need to know about your current rumor.
Now you rumor loving folks... GO! Make something fantastic up about me! I want it to sparkle.
I really want to see the best you can do. I want some sex, some violence, some scandal, and if you can somehow weave the President in there, that'd be rad. Bonus points for gay lovers and saucy texts.
As a writer... Your plot lacked depth and was too hyper realistic. We don't write stories about the planes that land, people! Did you not learn anything in journalism class? When you read a good novel, it doesn't involve the mundane, like making coffee or going to the bathroom. I hate to say it, but... I'm dull. I really don't have anything to write a proper rumor about... so you should try harder to invent something. See if you can make me brilliant and beautiful, too... Oh, and I want a white horse and a fucking Ferrari!
But really... seriously? Lame attempt people... Lame. Oh eme Gee! Dani has a FRIEND! WOW!
*shakes head*
Ok you guys, I'm going to go to bed now, I expect pictures of my head photoshopped onto Marilyn Monroe's body by tomorrow. Do not disappoint me, rumor mill! You are the last chance I have at living an interesting life, or getting back down to a size 12!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Auto pilot
And like a homing device hellbent on its own destruction, here I am severely depressed.
There are a lot of things going on around me, which I'll detail without getting too involved, but, need to be addressed and handled with the kind of care I can offer.
First, there's my tendency to get weirdly obsessed with some friends. I've always wanted to have close friends, I know what it's like, but then they move away from me, it's like, you get the inside joke for about a year or so, the move on...
I really taxed a friend of mine, I was feeling suicidal and I told them as much. For those who aren't used to that... It's a really horrible experience to know your friend feels that way and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it, except ride the wave out. But that is the end result of a conglomeration of things. The following are the things that caused these thoughts. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, but I'm still not feeling good. It's still a process I have to work through.
My daughter is in 8th grade this year, and at her school they have something called the 8th grade banquet, which is something like a mini prom for these kids. Now, I promised my daughter I would try to get involved somehow, but that's before I realized that it was on a Friday. At work, we are a shift of 3, and as a result if one wants to take time off, it means the other two have to come in. I have discovered that I'm unwilling to ask my co-workers to take my time for me. It's not that it's a problem, it's just they have their own patterns, and I don't feel that it's fair for me to ask them to take my time. Besides, there's something in me that doesn't want to go... It's not that I don't love my daughter or something, it's more that, if I go, I'll realize everything I left behind, all the memories I've missed over time by not being there. And asking my dear friends from work to cover for me, so that I can potentially wig out and not go anyway... just doesn't seem fair.
Tonight I was supposed to go to a benefit for a young lady to help fund raise for the scholarship in her honor.
I never bought tickets because I wasn't sure I would be able to get the time off of work, or babysitting, so I am again staying home. I'll probably go to the bar with friends this evening. It was a wonderful event last year, it opened my eyes and helped me see I was so much more than I was giving myself credit for.
I hope the same happens this year.
There are a lot of things going on around me, which I'll detail without getting too involved, but, need to be addressed and handled with the kind of care I can offer.
First, there's my tendency to get weirdly obsessed with some friends. I've always wanted to have close friends, I know what it's like, but then they move away from me, it's like, you get the inside joke for about a year or so, the move on...
I really taxed a friend of mine, I was feeling suicidal and I told them as much. For those who aren't used to that... It's a really horrible experience to know your friend feels that way and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it, except ride the wave out. But that is the end result of a conglomeration of things. The following are the things that caused these thoughts. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, but I'm still not feeling good. It's still a process I have to work through.
My daughter is in 8th grade this year, and at her school they have something called the 8th grade banquet, which is something like a mini prom for these kids. Now, I promised my daughter I would try to get involved somehow, but that's before I realized that it was on a Friday. At work, we are a shift of 3, and as a result if one wants to take time off, it means the other two have to come in. I have discovered that I'm unwilling to ask my co-workers to take my time for me. It's not that it's a problem, it's just they have their own patterns, and I don't feel that it's fair for me to ask them to take my time. Besides, there's something in me that doesn't want to go... It's not that I don't love my daughter or something, it's more that, if I go, I'll realize everything I left behind, all the memories I've missed over time by not being there. And asking my dear friends from work to cover for me, so that I can potentially wig out and not go anyway... just doesn't seem fair.
Tonight I was supposed to go to a benefit for a young lady to help fund raise for the scholarship in her honor.
I never bought tickets because I wasn't sure I would be able to get the time off of work, or babysitting, so I am again staying home. I'll probably go to the bar with friends this evening. It was a wonderful event last year, it opened my eyes and helped me see I was so much more than I was giving myself credit for.
I hope the same happens this year.
Monday, April 22, 2013
To those I have lost
I was reminded today of those who I have lost. Those friends I once had that are no longer with me. I have made it a policy throughout my life to never burn bridges or sever ties unless I have to, and sometimes, I just lose touch. Sometimes in losing touch, I try to regain it, and things have changed. Sometimes I symbolize a time in someone's life that they were unhappy, or going through a transition. Sometimes I have actually done something wrong. If I have wronged you, I hope you'll find some way to forgive that wrong. I'm not perfect, in fact I am about as far from perfect as people get, but I hope I provided you some peace in the time I knew you.
In the case where I symbolize a bad time in your life, I'm sorry that you can't separate me from that time. Know that I cherished any interaction we had, both positive and negative, and know that I learned as much from you, if not more, as you learned from me. I'll miss you and whatever times we shared. I'll still think of you, look and pictures and laugh, but I'll feel incomplete. As though the door was never closed, because in my mind, the door never closes.
I'm sad for the loss. Today it hit me, and I'm sad for it. I don't know if it's my bruised ego, or the fact I don't know what I said or did, or the fact that I won't have a chance to make whatever wrong I did, right.
I let people down. I let myself down.
I listen to the sadness in the world, and the worries, and the fears. I listen to everyone I know suffering in one way or another. I just want to hold them all and tell them it's ok. Even the people who now view me as the enemy. Even those I do not agree with. It doesn't matter if we all agree, we are human. We are made of the same things. If I find something about you that I don't like, the reason that I don't like it is that I see it in myself, and cannot accept that about myself. Those who are fearful about the future, but choose to manifest that fear into hate, I see your fear. I know your fear. I do not agree with what you do with your fear, but I know that it's just that you are afraid and unable to express that in a constructive way.
Everything will be right in the world soon, this I know. Just hang in there for a little longer. Be fiercely loving and strong. John Lennon was right, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.
And so, love each other, love your enemies, love your friends
In the case where I symbolize a bad time in your life, I'm sorry that you can't separate me from that time. Know that I cherished any interaction we had, both positive and negative, and know that I learned as much from you, if not more, as you learned from me. I'll miss you and whatever times we shared. I'll still think of you, look and pictures and laugh, but I'll feel incomplete. As though the door was never closed, because in my mind, the door never closes.
I'm sad for the loss. Today it hit me, and I'm sad for it. I don't know if it's my bruised ego, or the fact I don't know what I said or did, or the fact that I won't have a chance to make whatever wrong I did, right.
I let people down. I let myself down.
I listen to the sadness in the world, and the worries, and the fears. I listen to everyone I know suffering in one way or another. I just want to hold them all and tell them it's ok. Even the people who now view me as the enemy. Even those I do not agree with. It doesn't matter if we all agree, we are human. We are made of the same things. If I find something about you that I don't like, the reason that I don't like it is that I see it in myself, and cannot accept that about myself. Those who are fearful about the future, but choose to manifest that fear into hate, I see your fear. I know your fear. I do not agree with what you do with your fear, but I know that it's just that you are afraid and unable to express that in a constructive way.
Everything will be right in the world soon, this I know. Just hang in there for a little longer. Be fiercely loving and strong. John Lennon was right, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.
And so, love each other, love your enemies, love your friends
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Lifting the heavy things
Tonight at work was difficult.
and I felt overwhelmed, but then I realized things were't so bad.
Tonight is an anniversary of sorts, a bad one. When my friend started to drive to somewhere... she was hit by an oncoming car, a drunk at the wheel.
Tonight, I'm lifting the heavy things off my chest.
Anna Bonde has a scholarship in her name, and a whole event at my old High School. And although the event is fun, I would give it up just to see her smile again. We all would. All these years, I ask myself, "why her?" She was... an amazing human being. More here.
Everything's different here since I last wrote. I left my awful job at the cable company to pursue something not so grim, and now I find that I miss my friends. My best friend is even different.
Life moves in a cycle though, and I'm finding this cycle a hard one to crack. I'm just glad that I've been given the opportunity to try again.
Now I'm going to go with my relative alone-ness, I may cry, I may not.
I'm just thankful for the life I am living now, for those I have known in my past both living and deceased.
Please, everyone be careful and come home safely this weekend, a little green beer is not worth giving up everything for.
and I felt overwhelmed, but then I realized things were't so bad.
Tonight is an anniversary of sorts, a bad one. When my friend started to drive to somewhere... she was hit by an oncoming car, a drunk at the wheel.
Tonight, I'm lifting the heavy things off my chest.
Anna Bonde has a scholarship in her name, and a whole event at my old High School. And although the event is fun, I would give it up just to see her smile again. We all would. All these years, I ask myself, "why her?" She was... an amazing human being. More here.
Everything's different here since I last wrote. I left my awful job at the cable company to pursue something not so grim, and now I find that I miss my friends. My best friend is even different.
Life moves in a cycle though, and I'm finding this cycle a hard one to crack. I'm just glad that I've been given the opportunity to try again.
Now I'm going to go with my relative alone-ness, I may cry, I may not.
I'm just thankful for the life I am living now, for those I have known in my past both living and deceased.
Please, everyone be careful and come home safely this weekend, a little green beer is not worth giving up everything for.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A collection of my failures.
I'm thinking, a morbid scrapbook of sorts. Containing emails, pictures, speeding tickets, letters of condemnation, failed art projects... things of the sort.
A notebook that I can keep these things in, to look on them and realize how far I've come, and that in life, no mistakes are made, not really. Just happy accidents.
In the next few weeks, I anticipate a bit of quiet reflection, as an era is ending for me. On to better things I keep telling myself, but, will they really be better? I mean, I've made some pretty good friends in my time here, and I'm sure they'll stay around because they aren't the sort to desert you, but... It's just change, hot and heavy, coming down your neck at break-neck speeds.
So I toast my failures, they have made me who I am today, and sometimes I'm pretty fucking kickass. I have four super intelligent, beautiful children... an apartment, a car, I can do basically what I want to much of the time.
I no longer live in a trailer with holes in the floor.
I am no longer working at a grocery store, ringing groceries because that's all I think I'm capable of.
I am no longer taking daily abuse from customers who know less than I do about technology.
I am being yelled at on weekdays by a tyrannical boss who likes to point his fingers and call mistakes out to everyone, but that's not necessarily undeserved. There are still many things that leave much to be desired. And someday maybe I'll get what I desire, someday I may even figure it out.
I'm on track to begin schooling for my Bachelors Degree in the fall. I compare myself to friends who have their Masters or Ph.D's, but I realize I am being unreasonable; none of those people have kids, or have been married twice.
I did the stupid thing, I followed my heart, not my head. That's not to say it wasn't rewarding, it just, wasn't that smart of me; convention states there is an order to things, and there are reasons that they order isn't typically fucked with.
But how motivating to know what had to be overcome to reach the summit; or at least where I am so far.
Sometimes though, the lack of achievement feels a bit like your skull melting. The world is moving so quickly around, and just keeping up sometimes is a pain.
This pathway has now been explored and exploited. Onward.
A notebook that I can keep these things in, to look on them and realize how far I've come, and that in life, no mistakes are made, not really. Just happy accidents.
In the next few weeks, I anticipate a bit of quiet reflection, as an era is ending for me. On to better things I keep telling myself, but, will they really be better? I mean, I've made some pretty good friends in my time here, and I'm sure they'll stay around because they aren't the sort to desert you, but... It's just change, hot and heavy, coming down your neck at break-neck speeds.
So I toast my failures, they have made me who I am today, and sometimes I'm pretty fucking kickass. I have four super intelligent, beautiful children... an apartment, a car, I can do basically what I want to much of the time.
I no longer live in a trailer with holes in the floor.
I am no longer working at a grocery store, ringing groceries because that's all I think I'm capable of.
I am no longer taking daily abuse from customers who know less than I do about technology.
I am being yelled at on weekdays by a tyrannical boss who likes to point his fingers and call mistakes out to everyone, but that's not necessarily undeserved. There are still many things that leave much to be desired. And someday maybe I'll get what I desire, someday I may even figure it out.
I'm on track to begin schooling for my Bachelors Degree in the fall. I compare myself to friends who have their Masters or Ph.D's, but I realize I am being unreasonable; none of those people have kids, or have been married twice.
I did the stupid thing, I followed my heart, not my head. That's not to say it wasn't rewarding, it just, wasn't that smart of me; convention states there is an order to things, and there are reasons that they order isn't typically fucked with.
But how motivating to know what had to be overcome to reach the summit; or at least where I am so far.
Sometimes though, the lack of achievement feels a bit like your skull melting. The world is moving so quickly around, and just keeping up sometimes is a pain.
This pathway has now been explored and exploited. Onward.
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