You should have been there

As I walked into the dive bar in the city that I used to haunt, I saw old familiar faces.
Friends from then,
Friends from now...
You should have been among them.

Every empty spot, every empty chair I looked at, I saw you for a brief glimpse.  I saw you laughing, and smiling, and happy.
I saw you sitting with your blond hair and blue eyes shining.
And I realized, you should have been there.

Every cigarette break, I saw you there, looking with disdain, wondering why perfectly good people would throw their lives away due to the tobacco.

You should have been there.

I saw you frown slightly as we drank to remember, and forget simultaneously.  I saw your concerned frown as every friend you had in life left the bar.  I saw you thinking, wondering if they would get home safely.

I saw you check the cell phone you never likely had, as you got texts from them; saying they had gotten home safely.  I saw your worried frown change to that beautiful smile, so innocent; pure joy.

You should have made that text when you got to your destination.
You should have been there.

You should have been mingling with your old friends, sharing a drink, a laugh, a smile...

I saw you hug every single one of us goodbye.  I saw you wish us well.
or I should have.
but you weren't there.

I wonder why it was you, why did it HAVE to be you, of anyone I ever knew in life...
Because, Anna... You were an angel.  You stepped down for a little while to grace us with your smile and remind us how very good life is, how every breath can be joyous, how every meal can be a chance to remind yourself how you live.

I saw you meet the spouses of your friends and loved ones, I saw you greet each of them with the same raw enthusiasm that you greeted every day with.

I saw you hold the hands of those who struggled, and continue to struggle.

You should have been there.

And I was reminded tonight of my mortality, what I almost lost, what my friends almost lost.  We could have been you.  As I sat witness to the pain a girl I used to call my very best friend.  The pain I did not know about.  How every word she uttered was a silent cry for help, how in her solitude she wanted others; others who could help her, and tell her what to do.  How, in her drunken loop she explored again and again pain that was still fresh in her mind.

She knows what to do.  You're guiding her but, you should have been there.  In the flesh, to comfort and tell it's going to be ok.  Go buy that house, stand on your own two feet and be PROUD of who you are and all that you've accomplished.

We are all older now, but in our minds, you are still the same.
You are the beautiful Anna Bonde, the girl every gal secretly wanted to be.  The talented artist, the friend, the voice of reason when we were all slowly going crazy in our teen angst.
And you weren't there.  Because someone had a few too many, then decided to try to drive somewhere.

I hate what he did.  But I will forgive him, for that's what I somehow know that you'd want.
It doesn't mask the pain which is very real to us all.
You are still the glue that holds us together.
The people who haven't seen each other in 15 years, and those who spoke yesterday.

I turned white as a sheet when a man I had a crush on 17 years ago spoke of a surgery he went through.  I nearly fainted, then laughed at myself.  I thought back so a class where we had to watch surgery on a larynx, and I had to leave the room.  I laid on the floor in F hall, trying not to pass out.

You weren't there for that one, but I think you would have been the one to come check on me when I didn't return after a few minutes.

Tomorrow, I will return to my job, answering calls of those in misery, (whether it be a misery of their own creation, or a very real misery playing out like a drama on the screen of their lives,) and I may get angry, I may feel like their complaints are annoying, or overly dramatic, or just plain stupid... but you know what?  I'll  throw on that face of optimism that you always had ready for anyone who needed it, and I will take a deep breath, and then I will do my best impression of the happy girl I knew in high school.

The one that should have been there.
And I'll look up and smile at you, and hope that you are smiling down on me.