JR high

So, today was pretty awful.  First, I'm sure I've already mentioned the seizure Paul had, and how when I got home my worst nightmare had come real; EMS were dragging my husband from the home, children all wondered what was going on.  They at least waited for me before they left the home.

Before that, one of my daughters friends said she was going to kill herself, my daughter texts me in a panic, asking what to do. So then I get a hold of the kids parents, come to find out it's something she threatens every now and again.  The point I'm making, I've had far too much drama today.

While I waited in the ER, I sat playing words with friends on my phone, where I reconnected a bit with an old friend.  There's unfinished business, and things I haven't said to him that I had meant to... and as I start to realize I wanted to say these things; bam!  the phone runs out of frakkin batteries.

I went to school with Doug for many years.  Through middle and high school, he followed me, (or did I follow him?) to CAPA, where he went on to be a huge success in the program.  After that, I'm a little fuzzy on what happened to him, but he ended up working on cruise ships as a performer.  Yeah, laugh it up all you want, but I don't see you making a living by dancing!

I always was fond of saying in school that Doug had saved my life.  I still to this day say it's true.
maybe not in the most literal sense, but certainly as far as that time in my life, I needed someone who had confidence in me, who believed in me, who saw me as a beautiful young lady, because damnit, I didn't see it myself.

He had a rough home life, but I'm not going to go into that.  Let's just say he ended up staying at my place a lot in the earlier days.

Over time, we grew apart as people do.  Some argument which was blown out of proportion by others who heard about it.
I just know I was heartbroken, then suddenly one night, I cried all the tears I could muster, then a dark cloud lifted, and I just felt really bad for him and his life, everything that had happened.
He wrote to me on a bank deposit slips while he was down in Florida and mailed them in an ATM envelope.
I kept that letter until I moved from my Mother's home. It always made me giggle.

I was just... so sad and devastated when he left my life, but now... I understand it.

It was a few months after we started high school when Doug spoke to me again after not speaking to me that whole summer.
We were at homecoming, I was there with my boyfriend of the time.
Doug walked by and he said "I didn't want to say anything, but I had to: you just look beautiful."
and then, everything was ok.

You see, something developed from that, though, an understanding, a tolerance, a willingness to forgive and forget.
My usual MO in a friendship or relationship is that I'm in a person's life for a while, something happens, and I  allow myself to fade into the background, knowing full well that I'll be like a reoccurring habit and that somehow, I'll reappear into their lives when I am needed, that I only need wait in the background, that they'll get to me eventually.

It may sounds like it sucks, but really it's the only thing that's kept me sane these long years.  My Dad did some pretty unforgivable things, things the rest of my family hasn't really fully forgiven him for.  I have.  Because, what ultimately matters is the here and the now.  And only by living with reverence to the past, but living IN the here and now can we really be fully alive.
Through all my struggles, I think of my old friends, those who I've grown so very fond and attached to.  I think of their kind words, and then I pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep going.
There's Doug and his laugh and smile, Kristine, Liz and Kitty and our inside jokes, Eugene always knowing how to make me laugh when I feel really badly, Meg always being slightly more crazy than I am, and for loving me regardless of how I feel, Jenni with her awesome advice, Jake for the weird advice and even weirder poems, Garon with movies, tag, dreams and diet coke at midnight...
These people who were and are the family I choose...
And of course, the family I HAVE now.  My husband, kids, inlaws... The family I inherited.
and I mean nothing against my family, I love them without limit, but this isn't about them,

This is about these folks that are the ones that made things tolerable when my family wasn't available for consultation...
and if you weren't mentioned, that doesn't mean I don't think of you and thank my stars every day for your being here.  Because I do.  Everyone I encounter on a day to day basis.
I love you all so much more than you'll ever know, and I know everyone is always going through shit, the only thing I can say is, keep going.

I've been battered and beaten, emotionally and physically dragged well past my limits, and I keep doing it every day, but its your kind words and smiles that keep me going.
and, if I haven't reached out and touched your life in some way, some way that has made your life better, keep waiting.  I'm getting to it.  I'm just busy... ya know, with everyone and everything else.

I love you all, each and every one of you, without judgement, fear or prejudice.
I hope you all find happiness, and I hope most of all, you all find peace. <3

Flicker then fade

So, the month started out well, a short story a day, then time got away with me.  So far I have 5 short stories, 2 of which are long enough to enter into the contest I was thinking on entering.  Going to slow it down so that I don't flicker and fade away.

New project

I'm doing a short story a day for March.  So far, 4 completed.  Will post when I'm able!