Raised on songs and stories...

and because my brain has blessed me with insomnia
it's time for
MORE BAD POETRY!!! YAY!


Dance with me
in a whirling dervish
of clustered emotion

I won't fall over my own feet
my graceless gait replaced with
one of poise and opulence.

Dance with me my dear
Remind me of beauty
and times when I was young
when I'd be swung around the dance floor
and wouldn't trip on invisible feet

the lake is never placid
the lake is never still
yet here we are together
and it shows me that it will
allow the sky to be reflected
upon it's shining surface

that night so many years ago
where I pledged my fate to another
who took my heart and buried it
in the icy sand

and you were there,
but you were not
and you had tried to warn me

your dark eyes locked
upon mine
as you sat there and implored me
"think about the things that matter
hang on to what you love
and by what you love i don't mean him
i mean your own personhood."

and i ignored
the warning voices
the voices on the wind
and i ignored
the beating waves
telling me of the future.

you washed along the shore
gasping for air
trying to scream with all your heart
that there was some one there, who cared

several years later
we came to that same point
where i drew your symbol in the sand
and promised we'd never part

sentimentality aside
when we danced in the waves for the first time
I thought one cycle had ended
and a new one had begun

it had
and now it's done
and the next, and the next
like mighty waves
threaten to blow me over
and take my breath

somewhere on that shore
is a short young thing, with short young dreams
who cried real tears
and felt real fears

and she is screaming out
"I will not give up on my dreams
I will not give up on myself"

So many years have passed and I
realized the pain of passing
i reached out for solidarity
and found myself reaching me

For I am
the only constant
in a world of constant change

So dance with me
in the white capped waves
blue, freezing against my sandaled feet
and suddenly warm
when I know that I'm home
on the shores of Superior.

Thanks asshole brains!

Sometimes I wish I had never learned how to interpret dreams.

So I have this dream of someone I've been close to recently wearing a shirt from the Anime "Bleach", it features the Substitute Shinigami design on the front of it.  He was just standing there, in that shirt in black, the symbol in white, all the rest of him in black.  He said nothing, he only stood and half smirked at me.
Last night, we had a discussion and I decided that I should leave his life as much as I could.  Though I'm not going into the details of why here, it's the right decision.

So, I interpret the dream... and it seems to say this relationship is dead.  If you go by standard meanings and substitute "Grim Reaper" for "Shinigami", because in Japanese myth, they are the same thing.

Duh.  Thanks brain.  I really fucking needed that reminder.

I'm going to go watch Bleach: Memories of Nobody and bawl my eyes out.  Great fucking idea.  Maybe my muse will come back and hit me over the head with something heavy.

Took the last train

So, I was doing well as far as writing, being quite prolific and then, I got sick.  That's the way it always goes though, don't know why I'm always so surprised.

My muse took the last train for the coast, and I don't know when she's returning, but guaranteed it'll be a time when I can't make space for her.  Or the space I make is the equivalent of a storage closet full of old toys.

I don't really have a whole lot on the brain in the past few days, seems it's quiet up between my ears.  Not thinking a whole lot on friendship or relationships in general.  No longer stopping the bleeding as far as Paul's seizures, he's acting somewhat normal again.

I am decidedly sad about the way things have turned out.  I don't feel like I have a partner and haven't for several years now.  I've got people in my life who fill that gap, or try to make my husband fill that gap, but... He can't.  I can go over this again and again though, and this is in the column of things that cannot change.
And people say how that isn't fair to me...

You know what, it isn't about what's fair to me.  I've dealt with fairness, or unfairness in droves in my life.  I think, a lot of what people think that is in error, is that x or y thing isn't fair to THEM.
Things aren't fair.  They aren't going to be fair.  The more you try to make things more fair for you, the less fair you make them to someone else.

One of my friends and I spoke a lot about equity right before Paul had his seizures, and I told him that the amount of equity in my current marriage is nil.  Then Paul had his seizures.
Where is that fair?  Where's the equity in that?  And here I am bitching that I have to do a few more things about the house.  I don't randomly fall on the floor, lose control of my bowel or bladder, risk a concussion or who knows what else because of some disease I have.
I don't know exactly what that means for me though.  I shouldn't have to do all the house work myself, but if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.
And I'm annoyed, this is the same talk I have with myself at the beginning of each year.

You know what?  I could have been happy.  I could have settled with a nice man or woman, (or not), and I could have lived a life that would have made my family and friends proud.  Instead, I chose love.

But this isn't what makes me happy, it's my kids.

But I still wonder what the hell I'm doing here still.