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And like a homing device hellbent on its own destruction, here I am severely depressed.
There are a lot of things going on around me, which I'll detail without getting too involved, but, need to be addressed and handled with the kind of  care I can offer.

First, there's my tendency to get weirdly obsessed with some friends.  I've always wanted to have close friends, I know what it's like, but then they move away from me, it's like, you get the inside joke for about a year or so, the move on...

I really taxed a friend of mine, I was feeling suicidal and I told them as much.  For those who aren't used to that... It's a really horrible experience to know your friend feels that way and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it, except ride the wave out.  But that is the end result of a conglomeration of things.  The following are the things that caused these thoughts.  I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, but I'm still not feeling good.  It's still a process I have to work through.

My daughter is in 8th grade this year, and at her school they have something called the 8th grade banquet, which is something like a mini prom for these kids.  Now, I promised my daughter I would try to get involved somehow, but that's before I realized that it was on a Friday.  At work, we are a shift of 3, and as a result if one wants to take time off, it means the other two have to come in.  I have discovered that I'm unwilling to ask my co-workers to take my time for me.  It's not that it's a problem, it's just they have their own patterns, and I don't feel that it's fair for me to ask them to take my time.  Besides, there's something in me that doesn't want to go...  It's not that I don't love my daughter or something, it's more that, if I go, I'll realize everything I left behind, all the memories I've missed over time by not being there.  And asking my dear friends from work to cover for me, so that I can potentially wig out and not go anyway... just doesn't seem fair.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a benefit for a young lady to help fund raise for the scholarship in her honor.
I never bought tickets because I wasn't sure I would be able to get the time off of work, or babysitting, so I am again staying home.  I'll probably go to the bar with friends this evening.  It was a wonderful event last year, it opened my eyes and helped me see I was so much more than I was giving myself credit for.
I hope the same happens this year.

To those I have lost

I was reminded today of those who I have lost.  Those friends I once had that are no longer with me.  I have made it a policy throughout my life to never burn bridges or sever ties unless I have to, and sometimes, I just lose touch.  Sometimes in losing touch, I try to regain it, and things have changed.  Sometimes I symbolize a time in someone's life that they were unhappy, or going through a transition.  Sometimes I have actually done something wrong.  If I have wronged you, I hope you'll find some way to forgive that wrong.  I'm not perfect, in fact I am about as far from perfect as people get, but I hope I provided you some peace in the time I knew you.
In the case where I symbolize a bad time in your life, I'm sorry that you can't separate me from that time.  Know that I cherished any interaction we had, both positive and negative, and know that I learned as much from you, if not more, as you learned from me.  I'll miss you and whatever times we shared.  I'll still think of you, look and pictures and laugh, but I'll feel incomplete.  As though the door was never closed, because in my mind, the door never closes.

I'm sad for the loss.  Today it hit me, and I'm sad for it.  I don't know if it's my bruised ego, or the fact I don't know what I said or did, or the fact that I won't have a chance to make whatever wrong I did, right.
I let people down.  I let myself down.

I listen to the sadness in the world, and the worries, and the fears.  I listen to everyone I know suffering in one way or another.  I just want to hold them all and tell them it's ok.  Even the people who now view me as the enemy.  Even those I do not agree with.  It doesn't matter if we all agree, we are human.  We are made of the same things.  If I find something about you that I don't like, the reason that I don't like it is that I see it in myself, and cannot accept that about myself.  Those who are fearful about the future, but choose to manifest that fear into hate, I see your fear.  I know your fear.  I do not agree with what you do with your fear, but I know that it's just that you are afraid and unable to express that in a constructive way.
Everything will be right in the world soon, this I know.  Just hang in there for a little longer.  Be fiercely loving and strong.  John Lennon was right, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

And so, love each other, love your enemies, love your friends