The marble and the mirror

So, why would I think that things would be quiet forever?
I'm back in the same wee conundrum I was in 2 years ago... which would be fine except that I was kind of hoping we wouldn't have to go through it again.  I'm wondering if a move out of state may be the only way to quell these constant barrages into my quiet little home.
I feel... a bit more positive than I did about this last time, but it doesn't change the fact the whole fucking situation is annoying.

My daughter is in trouble, I can't help her and I feel like I'm running a big ol obstacle course every time I attempt to help.  At least someone is paying attention now.

I can't go into much detail, but if you consult me offline I can go into detail with you, if I trust you.

but first, a few truths.
In spite of amassing a shit ton of money, it seems we are again broke and broken.
in spite of every possible effort, Paul cannot land a job.
He has applied for SSI, but who knows if they'll accept it this time.
I'm overwhelming exhausted but can't sleep.
A few friends had intended on staying over here tonight, I didn't feel entirely comfortable with one of them, so didn't get a hold of him, the other is out somewhere and hasn't said if they are staying or not.
I need to stay up and wait for the dishwasher so that I can set bowls out for the kids tomorrow.
I need to get so much done in the coming weeks before nice weather hits and I no longer want to be locked up inside.
Trash needs to be taken out, dog needs to be fed and the crock pot needs a good ol scrubb-a-roo.
I will never be enough, no matter the sum of my parts, but I think I'm ok with that.
I'm frustrated with my recent lack of writing.  I need to write more, and drink more tea, and perhaps learn how to play Bridge.... but that's later.
I want to sing and play music, but I feel completely uninspired to do so.
I want someone to take care of me because right now I am all worked up and I can't focus the way I know I need to in order to take care of the needs of my family.
My family is utterly awesome, all of them, we may not always agree but as my friend put it the other day, "We'll sure as hell drink together."

Intricacy

The Celts believed that all things were intertwined; that life was based on pattern.

I believe this to be true.  Some can see the pattern as simple as this text on your screen; others have a hard time finding the path.

I’ve lost my path somewhere between the children, and schooling, and finally my transition to the work force, however… Every now and again, I am lead back to it.  Usually in the form of people I help. 

Not the people on the phone so much as the people I interact with on a daily basis, my co-workers and friends.

In the past 2 weeks, we’ve been dealt a devastating blow at our quiet little call center.  We’ve not had a death in several years, and then suddenly we’ve had 2 in two weeks.  One took their life, another was taken from us.  I didn’t know Ronny that well; he sat quietly near us, but didn’t really say much.  He was a kindly gentleman and no one realized he was suffering until it was too late. 

Stanley, however… I have known Stan for years.  He was very much a part of the fabric of our little corporate world.  A loud smart ass, with a wealth of knowledge and a big grin plastered on his face, we saw him on Monday.  Same old Stan, big grin, poking fun at co-workers, and emailing out helpful tips about how to do our jobs better.  On his way home, he was killed in a horrible crash… The ol bloke never saw it coming.  He didn’t even hit the brakes, we don’t know what happened but my best guess is that he had started a super early shift after working a late shift; I suspect he just fell asleep.  It makes me feel better that he probably didn’t suffer.

But… it’s been sad to come to work.  I’ve just found myself from time to time staring in the direction of the two empty desks, listening for voices that I’ll never hear again. 

That’s not the only change, of course…

I think I described it to my old confidant best: “but it seems like the world is more fluid around me than it has been previously.  And change is good, of course... but too much of it at once sends me to my old security blankets; even though I don't sleep with them every night or anything like that, I still have to make sure they are on the shelf in which I carefully folded them and put them away...”

Been seeing a lot more old friends the past few weeks, ones that have come to the forefront for me, the piano player, the movie maker, the banker, the murder mystery guys, people from Ren fest I didn’t think I’d see again for a while… it’s been odd to be so social.

It seems like everyone is suffering or undergoing some major life change.

Hear me out here; I don’t think the Mayans were entirely off… I think the world as we know it is ending.  That doesn’t mean we are all going to die or anything, but it does mean that perhaps the way we have always looked at things may be changing.

I’m just trying to find my way through the madness, back to my beautiful and curvy path.  The pattern is still there.

Life is pattern

Pattern is life.

Ahimsa

The winds of change and the wicked waltz

I had almost forgotten what a seizure meant to my family.
I started to take for granted that I didn't have to do everything.
Today wasn't a bad day, really... For me, anyway, not until I got home.
I heard from a dear friend whom I had not heard anything from in ages, and the day didn't really drag on.  I couldn't find my groove as far as the telephone, but you know, some days are like that.
Some days are better than others.
It was when my half exhausted husband pulls up in our SUV I know I've got problems.

First, he really shouldn't be driving, we all get that.  I feel guilty that he does.  Never with the children in the car, always through town,  but still, it does not escape me that he should not be driving.  He slept well past noon today and never managed to do any of the tasks that which he was assigned, and for which the car was left home today.

I honestly feel like I'm drowning, back in the same spot.  Things were really improving, he was doing well, the children were thriving, and now, back to square one.
I'll be doing this for the rest of my days.
I'm going to have to learn to survive on less sleep, I'm going to have to meditate more so that I can manage on less sleep to not chew someone's head off.  I'm going to have to admit to myself that I am working 3 very full time jobs, one of which I am paid for monetarily, and the rest in Karma; knowing I'm doing the right thing.

The money is again super tight.  We get a lot of help from relatives.  He doesn't have the energy to cook much of the time anymore, so a lot of fast food is ordered, and that of course is more money...

It was so nice to get out the other night and see people who care about me.  I don't know when I'm going to get a chance to go out again.  I want to go out and see people that care about me and knew me before this shit started.  But I want to have my cake and eat it too; I want all my stuff to get done at home.
I feel like my energy level is incredibly low, I feel weak and more sickly than a person of my age should feel.

I have extra help right now, which is awesome.  I'd be lost without my friend who's been staying with me.  It's just nice to have another sane-ish voice around.

Anyway, I'm pretty exhausted, the baby is awake, I think I'm going to take him to my bed and turn in.

You should have been there

As I walked into the dive bar in the city that I used to haunt, I saw old familiar faces.
Friends from then,
Friends from now...
You should have been among them.

Every empty spot, every empty chair I looked at, I saw you for a brief glimpse.  I saw you laughing, and smiling, and happy.
I saw you sitting with your blond hair and blue eyes shining.
And I realized, you should have been there.

Every cigarette break, I saw you there, looking with disdain, wondering why perfectly good people would throw their lives away due to the tobacco.

You should have been there.

I saw you frown slightly as we drank to remember, and forget simultaneously.  I saw your concerned frown as every friend you had in life left the bar.  I saw you thinking, wondering if they would get home safely.

I saw you check the cell phone you never likely had, as you got texts from them; saying they had gotten home safely.  I saw your worried frown change to that beautiful smile, so innocent; pure joy.

You should have made that text when you got to your destination.
You should have been there.

You should have been mingling with your old friends, sharing a drink, a laugh, a smile...

I saw you hug every single one of us goodbye.  I saw you wish us well.
or I should have.
but you weren't there.

I wonder why it was you, why did it HAVE to be you, of anyone I ever knew in life...
Because, Anna... You were an angel.  You stepped down for a little while to grace us with your smile and remind us how very good life is, how every breath can be joyous, how every meal can be a chance to remind yourself how you live.

I saw you meet the spouses of your friends and loved ones, I saw you greet each of them with the same raw enthusiasm that you greeted every day with.

I saw you hold the hands of those who struggled, and continue to struggle.

You should have been there.

And I was reminded tonight of my mortality, what I almost lost, what my friends almost lost.  We could have been you.  As I sat witness to the pain a girl I used to call my very best friend.  The pain I did not know about.  How every word she uttered was a silent cry for help, how in her solitude she wanted others; others who could help her, and tell her what to do.  How, in her drunken loop she explored again and again pain that was still fresh in her mind.

She knows what to do.  You're guiding her but, you should have been there.  In the flesh, to comfort and tell it's going to be ok.  Go buy that house, stand on your own two feet and be PROUD of who you are and all that you've accomplished.

We are all older now, but in our minds, you are still the same.
You are the beautiful Anna Bonde, the girl every gal secretly wanted to be.  The talented artist, the friend, the voice of reason when we were all slowly going crazy in our teen angst.
And you weren't there.  Because someone had a few too many, then decided to try to drive somewhere.

I hate what he did.  But I will forgive him, for that's what I somehow know that you'd want.
It doesn't mask the pain which is very real to us all.
You are still the glue that holds us together.
The people who haven't seen each other in 15 years, and those who spoke yesterday.

I turned white as a sheet when a man I had a crush on 17 years ago spoke of a surgery he went through.  I nearly fainted, then laughed at myself.  I thought back so a class where we had to watch surgery on a larynx, and I had to leave the room.  I laid on the floor in F hall, trying not to pass out.

You weren't there for that one, but I think you would have been the one to come check on me when I didn't return after a few minutes.

Tomorrow, I will return to my job, answering calls of those in misery, (whether it be a misery of their own creation, or a very real misery playing out like a drama on the screen of their lives,) and I may get angry, I may feel like their complaints are annoying, or overly dramatic, or just plain stupid... but you know what?  I'll  throw on that face of optimism that you always had ready for anyone who needed it, and I will take a deep breath, and then I will do my best impression of the happy girl I knew in high school.

The one that should have been there.
And I'll look up and smile at you, and hope that you are smiling down on me.