A sniveling mess

So, I've run into this opportunity at my child's school to become involved in a community theatre group They donate an obscene amount of money to the Ann Arbor Public Schools and the Rec and Ed foundation. It's a good cause, good people, you only have to pay $35 a school year to participate. For those of my readers who are not aware, I was active in the theater as a child. I was also active in the theater as a young woman in high school, I was involved in a creative and performing arts program through high school, (save the last semester.) I have been involved in workshops with the Royal Shakespeare Company, ran a war protest reading of Lysistrata, (which was, by the way an utter failure, but still fun). I have sang since I was 6 where I either performed Blues with my Father, Church Hymns (back when I was 6), I have been and intend to continue to be involved in an Acoustic rock band, "Tommy's Little Sister" (yes that IS me on the Vocals TYVM.) So, I'm somewhat talented, I have the want to help others... Especially when the others could very well be my own children. 

Can someone explain to the class why in the heck I'm not wanting to do this?
 Anyone?
Show of hands?

No, me either. But I don't. 





They are doing "Once Upon a Mattress" a show my husband absolutely adores. They said they can work around any conflicts I may have schedule-wise... I had all but picked up a song to audition with then just 360 decided I wasn't going there. I had figured out a costume for Evan, (kids are involved in the production and do not need to audition) I tried to think of logical reasons, maybe because I don't want to be away from my kids that much.
Less logical, I don't want to be associated with "Community" theatre.
Less logical still, "I really suck at acting, singing and dancing" I can't really understand it. Moreover one of the things that helped Paul recover last time he had many seizures, (his mother tells me) was being involved in theater.
He feels cheated that I don't want to be involved at very least. He knows theater was something I once enjoyed and we've spent many conversations speaking about shows we'd either been in or wanted to be in I thought maybe it was the fear that Evan will think theater is a viable option as far as a career, which
Paul, myself and my older brother both fell into that trap before we drag ourselves out of it kicking and screaming. The fact is, you gotta have money if you want to be involved in theater seriously. You have to be able to buy your way on stage. You also must be above 5'6" if you are female. it's just the rule. I'm 5'1".

Then there's the music project I've been needing to get back to which my work schedule doesn't entirely allow for, the cleaning up around the house, the fact that if Paul does get cast in this show and then finds a job that he'll be severely limited in the days and times he can work until mid February. There are a few psychological things.
First, I'm going to go on record, in public and talk about something I haven't been willing to post about in a public manner. My ex forbade me from singing when he was home. When he and I were first together, we would sing together. We even sounded pretty decent together... It was subtle at first, just a "I really want to hear this song" then every song.
Then he started playing music I wouldn't want to sing or listen to. All of the time. Soon every time I started singing he'd start talking to me and ask me to answer him. I found myself singing a lot when it was just myself and my daughter. I think that's why singing is so important to her today. It was singing the song "Spring Street" by Dar Williams that finally convinced me that I could leave him, and that in time, I would be ok. Then I moved out, and eventually after Paul and myself hooked up, he sang to me all of the time, danced with me. I thought I was safe. I still didn't sing for him, not really. Then I picked up my guitar, and I reluctantly allowed myself to sing. It just stopped one day. It never started again, and just like last week's sandwich, even if it was good it's not something you'd necessarily want back in it's same form again.

Then the kids. Then this horrid court case and between 2 and 3 mightily confused children. I sang to them a good night song every night And I was all alone, and heartbroken, and afraid, but I had to keep up the Mommy face, even though I seldom heard from their father because he was busy having seizures every other night. 2 years later, my daughter wanted to put on a show for my Mother in Law, and me and all 4 kids sang it together. My mother in law had never heard me sing, not really. Now, something that was so much of my identity growing up is like a "Wow, you can sing?" And I'm so lost! I really don't know how it got to be this way, but I don't think I'm unhappy about it, If no one ever hears you sing, no one will ever tell you to give up on your dreams, I guess. Even though I really gave up on them when I turned 19 and had a daughter. I'm not a vocalist, or an actor, I am a Mother. And even if I do all of those things, it's to serve the goal of being a Mother. and maybe that's wrong, but I think that's why I don't want to be in this show. That's all I've got for you.