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And like a homing device hellbent on its own destruction, here I am severely depressed.
There are a lot of things going on around me, which I'll detail without getting too involved, but, need to be addressed and handled with the kind of  care I can offer.

First, there's my tendency to get weirdly obsessed with some friends.  I've always wanted to have close friends, I know what it's like, but then they move away from me, it's like, you get the inside joke for about a year or so, the move on...

I really taxed a friend of mine, I was feeling suicidal and I told them as much.  For those who aren't used to that... It's a really horrible experience to know your friend feels that way and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it, except ride the wave out.  But that is the end result of a conglomeration of things.  The following are the things that caused these thoughts.  I'm not feeling suicidal anymore, but I'm still not feeling good.  It's still a process I have to work through.

My daughter is in 8th grade this year, and at her school they have something called the 8th grade banquet, which is something like a mini prom for these kids.  Now, I promised my daughter I would try to get involved somehow, but that's before I realized that it was on a Friday.  At work, we are a shift of 3, and as a result if one wants to take time off, it means the other two have to come in.  I have discovered that I'm unwilling to ask my co-workers to take my time for me.  It's not that it's a problem, it's just they have their own patterns, and I don't feel that it's fair for me to ask them to take my time.  Besides, there's something in me that doesn't want to go...  It's not that I don't love my daughter or something, it's more that, if I go, I'll realize everything I left behind, all the memories I've missed over time by not being there.  And asking my dear friends from work to cover for me, so that I can potentially wig out and not go anyway... just doesn't seem fair.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a benefit for a young lady to help fund raise for the scholarship in her honor.
I never bought tickets because I wasn't sure I would be able to get the time off of work, or babysitting, so I am again staying home.  I'll probably go to the bar with friends this evening.  It was a wonderful event last year, it opened my eyes and helped me see I was so much more than I was giving myself credit for.
I hope the same happens this year.