Took the last train

So, I was doing well as far as writing, being quite prolific and then, I got sick.  That's the way it always goes though, don't know why I'm always so surprised.

My muse took the last train for the coast, and I don't know when she's returning, but guaranteed it'll be a time when I can't make space for her.  Or the space I make is the equivalent of a storage closet full of old toys.

I don't really have a whole lot on the brain in the past few days, seems it's quiet up between my ears.  Not thinking a whole lot on friendship or relationships in general.  No longer stopping the bleeding as far as Paul's seizures, he's acting somewhat normal again.

I am decidedly sad about the way things have turned out.  I don't feel like I have a partner and haven't for several years now.  I've got people in my life who fill that gap, or try to make my husband fill that gap, but... He can't.  I can go over this again and again though, and this is in the column of things that cannot change.
And people say how that isn't fair to me...

You know what, it isn't about what's fair to me.  I've dealt with fairness, or unfairness in droves in my life.  I think, a lot of what people think that is in error, is that x or y thing isn't fair to THEM.
Things aren't fair.  They aren't going to be fair.  The more you try to make things more fair for you, the less fair you make them to someone else.

One of my friends and I spoke a lot about equity right before Paul had his seizures, and I told him that the amount of equity in my current marriage is nil.  Then Paul had his seizures.
Where is that fair?  Where's the equity in that?  And here I am bitching that I have to do a few more things about the house.  I don't randomly fall on the floor, lose control of my bowel or bladder, risk a concussion or who knows what else because of some disease I have.
I don't know exactly what that means for me though.  I shouldn't have to do all the house work myself, but if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.
And I'm annoyed, this is the same talk I have with myself at the beginning of each year.

You know what?  I could have been happy.  I could have settled with a nice man or woman, (or not), and I could have lived a life that would have made my family and friends proud.  Instead, I chose love.

But this isn't what makes me happy, it's my kids.

But I still wonder what the hell I'm doing here still.