Empty chairs, missing pieces

It's hard to give up a friendship.

It's even harder when that friend has become a member of your household.

Harder still when that friend's kids have also become a huge part of your household.

Over the summer, I had 5-6 kids in my house at any given time.  The noise was insane, the dichotomy of that many wee feet wandering about... creating their own games, showing each other how to imagine and play their way...  Dizzying to see them grow together, to create teams, to problem solve...

I have their crafts on my walls.  Evan, Dan, Tom, K and A, show a snapshot of what my life was like then.  It was still hard; even with three people to run interference.  Reminders of these kids, and of my friend are everywhere still.  She hasn't come to get her things, her boyfriend has never gotten back to me.  We always assumed we'd just see each other again and make everything work out.

Reality tells another story though, as it is wont to do.

This time of year is hard for me anyway, one of my best friends birthdays comes in a week, I never can manage to afford to go see her let alone to send her anything.

Then a week after that is day zero again... I don't know how I'm going to handle that this year.  I may send the missing piece flowers, if I can manage to afford it.

My marriage is still failing, we are going on year five of failure.  I can't fix it.  There have to be 2 willing and active partners in a marriage.  There's not even one anymore, it's just a half a person.  Half of me cares.  But then I think of the loss I've felt the past few months with the loss of the Missing... I understand that absence liberates pain from you; it forces you to cry, forces you to deal with things you wouldn't otherwise deal with. The relationship between the Missing and I was... flawed at best.  We both had our issues dealing with one another... we made things work because I needed her, and she needed me.

I still think the world of her, truth be told.  She's dealt with a lot of bullshit and still manages to come off with a positive slant most of the time.  I can do that, now.  I learned it from her.
My kids keep asking when she'll return.  I told them I'm not sure.  That's the hardest part.  It's like having Mary Poppins living in your home, then her suddenly having to alight to gods knows where, and not being able to tell your children when their beloved Nanny will return.  Only add to that, because K was their best friend, and A was Tom's best friend.

Tom will forget over time, but Evan and Dan won't.  There's no one to blame but time and impatience.