Sometimes sadness is a gift

I feel completely overwhelmed right now.  The amount of things that are ready to come hit me is enormous.  From one moment to the next not knowing where or what my job will be, to unexpected car repairs, mounting bills, uncertainty about our taxes and whether or not we are getting a return, the dishes, the laundry, the kids and Paul's health; I didn't sleep well last night.

I spent the night writing.  And not just "oh gee, let me kick out a poem or two.", not muck raking of the traditional sort, but a deep thorough "this is what's wrong with me, here it is in black and white, take it or leave it."

I went to bed fine, until I realized the kids were here.  (I had come home from work and had been told previously in the day that my kids would not be home.)  So there I was at 4:30 in the morning realizing that I was going to have to be up in 3 hours to mind children...

I didn't meet that mark.  Paul did, luckily.  I am grateful for that.  I was afforded sleep... I feel sickly right now, just minor head congestion and I've been cold all day no matter what I do.  I don't have a fever, but just the constant chills and my throat is a little sore.  I'm still really tired, and I'm cranky.

My friends at work are all going through their own unique struggles right now, we've got one out with a back injury, one was fired for being arrested, another in the hospital, another who's Father in Law just passed away, 3 (including myself) who suffer from mild to severe depression, and a boss who is fighting off some sort of lung infection.  Our Manager's boss called our manager and asked him what little black storm cloud was attacking us.  In the same breath asking when we would be ready to offshore our jobs...  We aren't going to be given much notice as it turns out.  Our boss is asking until June, corporate wants it done sooner.  We aren't going to know until maybe a week ahead of time.

My house is an utter disaster, and I just don't feel up to cleaning it.  I also don't feel up to doing my taxes even though they need to be done.  I just... Don't feel like much of anything.

I snapped at my Mother in Law upon leaving her house today, something about Dan's diet over there, and I felt badly but I couldn't even avoid it.  I broke down crying and said I would let the dog out.  I did let the dog out, and now I'm sitting and writing again in the hopes that I'll feel better.  Meanwhile, my Brother in Law was making small, passive aggressive comments about Paul and I not being very good parents.

You know what?  We aren't.  I know that.  Goddamnit I'm trying!  But, the fact is he's not dealing with the bills for maintaining this house, working 40+ hour work weeks in an environment outside of home, being female, (because our emotions go haywire at inappropriate times) and the other 57 things on my list.  And I can't just leave him my bills and crap and ask him to make the whole thing work.  I can't do that with Paul either.  We have medical bills streaming in from everywhere which is something we haven't had in 5 years.  Our insurance doesn't suck, but they certainly don't give the right prices up front, so we are being nickeled and dimed because we pay the 15 dollars, but apparently owe 25... all that adds up after a while.  So now our names are in with a bunch of collections agencies over 10 and 20 dollars.

Then there's Dan, who still won't eat much of anything.  My brother in law is convinced without a shadow of a doubt that he has some sort of gluten intolerance... The little boy will only eat BREAD and cheese.  I am not going to change the diets of all my kids over the suspicion of one of my relatives.  Especially after talking to the doctor who told us he was almost certain that Dan didn't have this problem, so much so that he didn't even want to put Dan through the testing for it.
I've been saying ALL ALONG this isn't the case, but no one wants to listen to me apparently.  I was just like him as a kid.  He WILL GROW OUT OF IT.

My student loans were moved to another company, and apparently they have been attempting to send mail to me.  My loans are supposed to be in deferment, but I haven't yet done the paperwork to insure that they stay there... Haven't felt up to it, no time... It's a continuing theme.  When I get home on Wednesday and Thursday I just want to sleep.  I don't want to fuck around with all this other bullshit.  But, I have to do it because no one else will.  I'm running and ruining 5-6 people's lives at any given time and I just can't handle the strain of it.  Overwhelmed.

My former best friend hasn't been around in 2 months.  Her boyfriend, who was my friend before all of this, won't speak to me either.  Her stuff is ALL OVER MY HOUSE.  I keep gathering it to one area or another and it keeps getting moved.  It's like walking on pins constantly.  She has things that Paul wants back, (I really don't care about it much, but you know it'd be nice...)  Then Day Zero is coming in 2 days, and I just... I want to see her.  I'm so sad sometimes it feels like I've been slugged in the gut repeatedly by a freight train.

I desperately just need to get away from here for a few days so that I can refresh and renew my outlook on life.  I want to just spend some time alone.  I cannot handle the litany of opinions that come from hither and thither.  I know everyone is trying to help in their own way, but just SHHHH... I can't hear myself think!

I'm just tired.  I know it will pass.  But Gods I'm afraid that it won't.