The road to acceptance

So, some may say I failed my perception roll.  Yeah, that's right D and D references coming up at you right now.

The holidays are basically over, house is covered in wrapping paper and children watching the latest Dr. Seuss movie, attempting to sleep.  7 year old was sick all day and unable to keep down food, and the relentless march of time sped on.  Yesterday my husband had 2 seizures in the wee hours of the morning.  Merry Friggin Christmas.

Previous to that, I received noticed that my job MAY be undergoing a slight case of immediate and permanent downsizing, and that my boss may be able to find jobs for us, but then again maybe not, and may be not in areas we would prefer to hold employment.

But I'm not here to bitch.  I've done my fair amount of bitching and now it's time to come to terms with all that I've absorbed in the past month.
First, I lost my best friend.  My anchor, the woman who kept me pseudo-sane without running to family every time my life went slightly askew in regards to the direction it heads in.  Yes, I realize I could eventually get her back and apologize for what I said... but I don't know if I am willing to do that anymore.  I mean, she got REALLY mad at me for saying I would do something that I would expect her to do if our roles were ever reversed.  I've allowed her anger in my presence for no reason more times than I can count, and needful reasons only a handful of times, and it occurred to me finally that we just aren't comparable.  Or that her being here, as much as I love her, (and I do still love her like a sister) was not compatible with my sanity.

Then there was my lionizing of a new friend, trying to make him into someone he isn't.  I halfway expected him to rescue me from this unhappiness that has been stewing for the better part of 5 years now.  I haven't fixed it, and he's not going to be able to fix it either.  The friendship didn't head in the direction I wanted it to, so instead of just dealing with that, I tried just rolling with the emotions of the moment, which was in turn bad for both of us.
I took that a bit harder than I perhaps should have.

At some point in the past 24 hours, the logic mind has taken over... that cold calculating bitch.  She says "These are the things that need doing, and you are doing them NOW.  You will not rest until all is done.  You will delegate  your life is a well oiled machine; automated, just add Robots."  Which is just the proverbial ass kicking that I need right now.  My house is in shambles, my kids all need me more than ever for various reasons, and I have great need to be Wonder Woman.  Friendship and emotion are my kryptonite.  (yes comic geeks, I do understand that Superman was the one affected by kryptonite, but let's just roll with this familiar analogy.)

So, I am moving into a singular mode now.  Paul and I had a partnership, but now he can't manage to be an equal partner due to his health,  In truth, he hasn't been an equal partner for a good long while, but he was doing so much better. I have a "stop the bleeding" mode I enter at these times.  It took far too long to take over, but has.  I'm just going to see if I can keep myself writing this time at minimum.  I need to let this creative part of me out or I find I become a blob of mass who can accomplish nothing.

It's like this: my shrink taught me something a while back, which has literally changed the way I live.
hAg
Ok... so this is what it is.  As you can see, the A is large, it's because it's the most important.  The h is for Humility.  To be humble with all that has come to you.  Being an egotistical bitch won't help anyone, especially not me.  The g is for Gratitude, be grateful for what it is that you do have.  The A... That's for acceptance.

We know a few logical things.  1. I can do very little to change my surroundings or circumstances right now. Knowing that, we know what doesn't work, complaining about it.  Ergo, we must accept it until we are in a position to change it.  2.  Letting my ego come in and bitch and moan that we should be doing better isn't going to cause me to do better.  What will help me do better in life is to acknowledge my sadness, but not let it overcome me.  This means know what the problems are, know what's upsetting me and know why.
3. Instability as far as my emotions is not excusable in any way to any one in my life currently.  With my anchor, she would not judge me.   She would take over when I was tired and weary. She could hear the signs and didn't mind doing grunt work. I don't have that now.  I have my family, that's it.  And there are times where they won't be able to help me.  At those times, I will have to help myself somehow.  This means attempting to sleep as close to a solid 8 hours a night as I can currently manage.  This will cause me to be less frantic and disjointed.  But knowing when it is acceptable for me to stay up later.

Acceptance is basically accepting my life isn't what I expected and that my life is not perfect.  It doesn't have to be, my best is generally good enough, and when it isn't I should be able to see that coming.

This rule in practice:  Knowing Paul is sick, knowing Paul has had a tendency in the previous nights to show more and more myoclonic activity when doing a particular activity online, then leaving the apartment to smoke when he is doing said activity without asking him to medicate himself.  This was foolish.  My failure also caused the second seizure.  But at the same time, he's an autonomous individual, in theory.  In practice... I wonder sometimes.

Instead of babysitting him and forcing the pills down his throat, I trusted him when he had told me he had taken his night dose.  After his second seizure, I saw the night dose still sitting in the dose cup on his nightstand.  He hadn't taken care of it.  After a seizure, for about 6 months, Paul can't truly be trusted to not lie, because his brain is lying to him and giving him bad information about reality.

So knowing that my despair is my own doing is a strange sense of comfort.  This means although I'm currently controlling things badly, I AM currently in control of all things within my universe of discourse; this may not sound like revelation, but do consider that to a woman who was formerly battered has very little feeling of empowerment.  My relative despair is empowering, in a strange sick way.  This is not the type of empowerment I wish to feel.  But amazingly enough, I control that too.

I accept today free of judgement my trespasses.  Now I am taking positive steps to insure that I am not caught unaware again.  Schedules will be drafted, tea and energy drinks prepared and drank, lists created, I will miss things.  That's ok.  So long as I am able to figure out how to fix the mistakes I make.

I'm going to go to the clubhouse later and hit the elliptical because my knees are fucking killing me.  I'm I making some odd reference to prayer?  I'll let you decide.