By popular demand: Mother's Day 2011

First and foremost, please do not see this as a bitch session, it is not, it is merely a retelling of events, not meant to make anyone feel pity for me or evoke feelings of sorrow or regret, moreover it is meant in a comical sense and should if anything make folks giggle.

Mother's Day has come around here again.
There's a lyric from a song that I think is more appropriate:
"Once a year the holidays come swinging at your head..." I think it's more appropriate.

Every year, my husband mysteriously contracts some sort of illness, whether he has a seizure the night before, or has a cold, or strep, or the polka dot flu, he's always ill for Mother's Day, never fails.  Even if I kept him in a Zorb for the previous 3 weeks a head of time, he would probably have a seizure or something and end up in a full body cast.  Either case, he's always really sick and can't get out of bed for the day.  Oh, and for those who are wondering, yes, this is the same case for Father's Day.

This holiday cannot go off without any hitch.  It's always something.  It could be that my lot is so young, it could be that we think Mother's day means "Day for Mother to excel at being a Mom by being presented with new and interesting challenges."  Maybe that's what Hallmark meant when they created this holiday... I don't know.

My ex used to be fond of telling me, "I don't believe in any one particular day for Mothers. I believe we should shower them in gifts all throughout the year."  And then, didn't.  And then, the first year of our divorce denied me parenting time on Mother's Day saying that Lily had to "spend the time with her Grandmother." that year.  So, the night before I went out to a late dinner with my friends, we took a wrong turn and ended up in Chicago.
I called my Mother from Chicago, to wish her a Happy Mother's Day!  Ya know, like you do....
And I got yelled at for being in Chicago, she said "why aren't you spending time with Lily!" and I told her, and she didn't believe that there was nothing else that I could have done to get Lily.  Thank goodness over time my Mother understood that my life is just too damned bizarre and that I could in no possible way make up half of the crap that happens in my presence.

So, here's the typical low down, I will reemphasize the importance of the fact that I am very grateful for the time I DO get.  I love my family and all of that, and as a matter of fact am  taking time out of my busy day to write about them.  As the baby screams in the other room in a futile attempt at napping and the other 3 argue over various Nintendo DS related issues.  And the husband snores, over on the bed five feet from me.  The nice warm one that I'd like to crawl into for the week.

So, we'll use today as a for instance.
Last night was abysmal, attempted to go to a party for my dear older brother, where my husband proved to be an embarrassment before he and I both got too ill to continue visiting.  It was a Steampunk party, I had been told by others that my ren fair garb would be almost correct for going, so I donned that and went in... and Looked like a complete freak in comparison...  So as I attempted to become 3 inches tall and visit with people I haven't seen in damn near 10 years... my husband goes up to the DJ table where my brother is DJing and decides to not once, not twice, but 3 times draw attention to himself and myself, and my beautiful but hormonal daughter self.  (I should mention, he was dressed very Guy Noir, so he wasn't quite right either!) 
So, I exit, QUICKLY mind you, VERY QUICKLY and dragging my husband and daughter along.  I call my friend to ask her to keep an eye on Lily because I needed to have a discussion with Paul...
So she did.  And Paul and I discussed, and he felt 3 inches tall, so I chalked that one up as a win in my column.
But I was hungry, and so I gathered Paul and we went to dinner.  Ate, and he kept saying how cold he was...
But we needed stuff from Meijer, so we continued.
By the end of it it was quite clear Paul was ill.
So away to home we rode.
and nyquil was had, and husband put to bed.

Morning came, and Lily came home, and so, I medicated Paul again and loaded the car, Lily, Misty (the dog) and myself into the car.
Halfway to my in laws, I decided to call my Mother in Law to warn her I was on my way.
And they were already on theirs. And so, I turned around.

Then we gathered inside.  My brother in law made a comment about needing to crack the window and needing to clean up.  It was to my children, who are 11, 6,4 and 11 months.  Yeah, they aren't cleaning.

And so, I made breakfast for my husband, for my daughter as well.  Poached eggs and toast. And of course, my daughter had never had poached eggs, she said she didn't like them, but she ate the toast gratefully.  I brought the food to my husband who said "Why'd you do this?"  And no doubt due to guilt or what not. 
 I rolled my eyes.  Sick people have to be fed.  Viruses don't know what day it is. 
Telling myself this has helped over time.  Kids don't know the date.
ok, so they do...
And they took today to argue about everything.  The 4 year old pulling Lily's fort down,  The 6 year old peed his pants while watching the 11 year old play the 6 year old's favorite game on Xbox.

The baby was hungry.  I put him in his high chair while the Lily's breakfast sat and got cold.
I gave Tom some little meat sticks, some fruit, and as I finished making myself breakfast, Paul attempted to become an upright member of society.
I chased him back to bed, but was so distracted while doing so that I jelly'd both halves of my toast.
The baby was done, to signal his completion, he shrieked, and shrieked and shrieked some more... Lily threw a teenaged tantrum, ran to her bedroom, slammed the door, and my breakfast now sat on the table getting cold.  Then I remembered I didn't have coffee, and I wanted coffee... Tassimo out of cartrages, I had to make a pot.  So I did this while feeding the baby... and making a bottle...
and again, Paul attempted to get out of bed, I again chased him back, remembering to bring him juice.
So yeah, I finally got breakfast.  The only reason was because I let the children play Nintendo DS while I ate.
Otherwise I wouldn't have had any relative peace.  I say relative because there is ultimately 3 or four arguments that break out whilst the children play.
1) You won and I wanted to
2) I won and want to gloat about it
3) You won, but everybody cheated
and 4) (MY FAVORITE) You won because the computer cheated.  It's Paul's favorite, too.  It's the one he whines the most about when playing whatever game of his choice and immediately takes him from adult to 12 year old child.

And now, I sit, at my computer telling the children under threat of death, or at least extremely unpleasant circumstances, they should not come to me.  If one of them is stuck under something, they are instructed to saw the offending appendage off before coming into the sanctity of Mother's room.  If they are injured, the eldest is to put them all on her bike and ride them to the nearest emergency room, if they are tired, they should sleep GODDAMNIT and if they are tired and come whining to me they will be fed to the dragon that I have manifested under my bed for such a purpose.
And so, It is, RELATIVELY quiet.
With this comical tale, I remind everyone to appreciate and love your Mother's.
And THANK THEM.
A bunch, for not feeding YOU to the Dragon under THEIR bed.